We’ve all been there: your child is in the middle of a full-blown tantrum, emotions spiraling out of control, and you’re desperately trying to help them calm down. Following the advice from parenting books, Instagram influencers, and TikTok clips, you try to acknowledge their feelings. “I understand you’re upset because your brother took your toys,” you say, hoping to work some magic. But the tantrum doesn’t stop. Instead, you find yourself stuck in a loop, echoing, “I see you’re upset,” as if it’s a magic mantra that will suddenly make everything better.
But what if I told you that this approach might actually be making things worse? Imagine you’ve had a really tough day at work, and you’re venting to a friend. If all they said was, “I see you’re upset,” over and over, you’d likely feel more wound up, not less. You might even tell them to be quiet and just listen. The same principle applies to our kids. Once we’ve acknowledged their feelings, we don’t need to keep repeating it.
When your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum, their thinking brain is essentially turned off. They struggle to process what you’re saying, similar to trying to hear someone in a noisy crowd. Instead, after acknowledging their feelings once, just be there with them. Offer a hug, sit quietly by their side, or gently stroke their hair or back. This comforting presence is often more effective than words alone.
I remember one evening, my youngest, Emily, was having a particularly rough time. Her tower of blocks had toppled over, and she was inconsolable. My instinct was to tell her repeatedly that it was okay and that I understood her frustration. But the more I said it, the more she seemed to cry. Finally, I stopped, sat down next to her, and just held her. Slowly, her sobs turned into hiccups, and eventually, she calmed down enough to start rebuilding her tower. Sometimes, our presence speaks louder than words.
This doesn’t mean tolerating physical aggression or verbal abuse from your child. If a tantrum reaches the level of hitting or throwing things, stepping back can be the best move. Ensure they’re safe, and then sit a little away, even in the next room. Let them know, “I see you’re really angry. It’s okay to feel upset, but hitting hurts. I’m right here, and I’ll be waiting when you’re ready.” This approach validates their emotions without condoning harmful behavior.
This strategy teaches your child that it’s okay to feel all sorts of emotions and that you’re there to support them. Contrast this with telling them to stop crying and walking away, which might send the message that their feelings are annoying or unimportant.
Remember, your child is still learning how to handle their emotions. As parents, we play a crucial role in guiding them through these feelings. It’s not easy, especially when we’re trying to stay calm amidst a meltdown.
When my oldest, Jack, was a toddler, he would get incredibly frustrated when his lego pieces where scattered all over the floor by Emily accidentally right before Jack put the last pieces into place. Instead of acknowledging his frustration and then waiting with him, I used to hover, telling him over and over that it was okay. It wasn’t until I tried simply sitting with him, letting him know I was there, that he began to calm down faster. He even started to redo the lego pieces with a bit more patience.
Personally, I’ve struggled with this when my own kids started experiencing big emotions. Despite being an OT with strategies for emotional regulation, the reality of parenting a toddler was an emotional rollercoaster. Luckily, I had access to a clinical psychologist friend who offered invaluable advice. Her guidance has been a lifesaver, and I follow it to the letter.
So next time you face a tantrum, remember: acknowledge the feelings once, then just be there. Your quiet presence can be the most comforting thing for your child.